I'm not thin - I'm not happy.
Good evening beautiful people! (If anyone is actually reading this)!! ;)
OMG!! These last 2 weeks has been tough. I literally mean like getting up at 2AM in the morning from night terrors about food.... Fuuuuuuucked up.
I mean I'm not starving anymore, but it has become a bit of an obsession. Most of the time I feel like those "Finding Nemo birds", but instead of saying "mine, mine, mine", I say or think "food, food, food". I know - most guys would be like "Dude, that's everyday for me. What are you trying to say on your page for crazy people that doesn't want to eat food?"
Sooooooo, to sum it up, this is what I was going through. I feel like there might be other individuals sharing this feeling with me. Especially if you are also going through recovery. At this moment, I am sitting at the dining room table with a glass of wine and having good giggle about how depressed I have been about my weight lately. The truth is, some days I'm perfectly happy with the extra weight I have gained and other days I feel like the double-decker bus that has to drop Harry Potter off at some magic school. It gets bad, I will look in the mirror and see a human-sized version of flubber, only less cute and adorable. These days are horrible. These are usually the days that make me wish I was anorexic again.
I know, this is not very positive reading material, but it is the reality. And how many people actually told you how hard recovery was going to be? I want to tell you today, recovery is literally the hardest thing I have and still am doing today. It is a daily battle I am fighting that nobody understands or knows about. To be honest I don't even understand it always.
All I do know is, and this is what I want to share with every single person sharing this journey with me: I am not alone anymore, I go out and make friends. Best of all I actually sustain those relationships. I am not tired and suffering from fatigue anymore, I have enough energy to laugh and play and cook and read and type this post! What it all comes down to is; some (most) days still I wake up, look in the mirror and feel fat. When I experience that - I'm immediately depressed.
I have slowly but surely found a way to talk myself out of that mood and convince myself that what I see in the mirror is completely relative and different from how other people perceive me.
I believe with everything inside me, that "WE" / "US" suffering from eating disorders have to make that change in mindset before you can truly find happiness. Unfortunately, it is incredibly difficult.
I urge each and everyone that is feeling like me today, to go and look for a reason every single morning that can cause a change in mindset for you.
Lots of love.